Shadow of the Colossus: The Movie - story and casting reveal
100% accurate, totally not made up at all, definitely not satire. (Alright, yes, it's satire.)
This week, it’s been announced the long-awaited (i.e. presumed dead) project to adapt one of video gaming’s most majestic and solemn masterpieces is actually alive and in progress. Yes, Shadow of the Colossus may yet come to cinema screens.
As you may know, every movie based on a video game is incredibly accurate to the source material, and I’m interrupting my usual weekly schedule of micro-fiction horror and writing tips to bring you an exclusive peek into the full story and casting of this upcoming hit film adaptation of Shadow of the Colossus.
I think you’ll agree the story below absolutely nails the expected tone of a big budget adaptation of this cherished and beautiful video game.
Without further ado, here’s:
Shadow of the Colossus: The movie (full story and casting)
Andrew Garfield is a Manhattan barista. He's too romantic for his pragmatic high-powered finance girlfriend, played by Jennifer Lawrence, who dumps him by phone.
Garfield retreats to sob on a rooftop, where we see he is afraid of heights.
Sleeping Lady, played by Zendaya, telepathically calls Garfield and asks him to save her in a magical land. Only he has the power she needs! Although he is unwilling to help, due to his broken heart, she creates a portal and he falls through it.
Garfield is awoken by a face-licking from Big Horse - a CGI horse that has a strangely powerful intelligence, a sense of bravery, and carries a sense of deep melancholy. Although the horse has no lines of dialogue, all whickering is voiced by Idris Elba.
Garfield finds himself in a mysterious and barren land, and informed (by a ghostly astral-projection-Zendaya) that he must defeat three giant stone monsters that are holding Magic Stones inside them. These stones keep Zendaya’s body asleep. Garfield doesn’t question why this is happening.
When Zendaya vanishes, Garfield is joined on his journey by Flink, a wisecracking gecko voiced by Eddie Murphy, who continually mocks Garfield for his inability to climb properly. Nobody observes that the actors with the darkest skin are all replaced on screen by CGI characters.
Garfield, Big Horse, and Flink confront strange light-creatures that try to block Garfield's quest at every step. This is necessary because only facing three giant monsters doesn’t give enough to fill a 135 minute epic film template. Astral-projection-Zendaya joins Garfield in battle, in a thin attempt to prove that her character isn't just Sleeping Beauty or a fridged wife.
There’s a heart-warming campfire scene where we suspect Flink has a soft side.
After overcoming two ground-based giants, Garfield's final challenge is to climb a towering colossus, which holds the final Magic Stone.
Garfield's crippling fear of heights cripples him (as crippling fears do), and Flink shows his soft side by revealing the reason he's so hard on Garfield is that he (Flink) also once had a fear of heights. Flink realises that his wisecracking was a façade to hide his inner wounds.
Inspired by Flink’s newfound sincerity, Garfield faces and overcomes his fears, climbs the colossus, and rips out the last Magic Stone.
Using the three Magic Stones, Sleeping Lady (Zendaya) is awakened. But, OH NO, this was a terrible mistake! She’s evil!
Zendaya shoots dark wibbly things everywhere. She’s going to consume the world! Light-creatures attack but get nowhere against the might of Zendaya.
But!
Garfield won’t give up on Sleeping Lady!
His romantic side, that soft-heartedness which caused Jennifer Lawrence to reject him in the opening sequence, gives him the strength to summon his own light. By embracing the strength of love, he become Super-Light-Garfield.
In a blaze of special effects, Super-Light-Garfield pushes through Zendaya’s shadows, hugs her, and they share a kiss (without any prior discussion of consent).
The kiss removes all shadows from Zendaya because heterosexual coupling at the end of a story immediately solves all pre-existing conditions.
Big Horse whinnies in celebration.
Flink wipes a tear away from his gecko eye while the soundtrack indicates this is comedic, because it’s funny to see masculine-coded characters crying in happiness, and nothing signals a white leading man’s success like a black supporting actor’s acknowledgement.
Zendaya, Garfield, Big Horse, and Flink stand at the top of a cliff, overlooking the land that has been cleared of giants. Hans Zimmer music swells. The sun sets behind Zendaya and Garfield as they embrace, shrouding them in light.
Credits roll, including the list of two hundred CGI artists who won’t be paid for dedicating three years of their lives to making this film.
Yes, this is satire, in case you hadn’t guessed. I assume I don’t need to say that so bluntly, but twenty-five years of online writing has taught me that if I don’t make it clear then someone will eventually be outraged. Maybe they’ll miss this and be outraged anyway.
So many video game movies have been terrible, that it’s hard to imagine such a melancholic classic as Shadow of the Colossus translating well onto the big screen. It’s so much easier to imagine it’ll go terribly, predictably wrong.
But… let’s hope the Shadow of the Colossus movie, if it actually happens, rises far above the version I’ve written. I’d love to see them succeed, and, after all, I’ve set the bar low…
Next week I’ll be back with more tiny reviews of my horror reading in 2024. I hope you enjoyed this deviation from the plan.
Go be kind and spooky,
Mata
xxx
Any video games you'd _love_ to see turned into movies?