We Are Going To Save The World (a short story)

An AI is asked for its advice.

Photo by Rob Laughter on Unsplash

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We Are Going To Save The World

[Applause.]

[Lights fade up. revealing a stage set with a cherry-red circular rug and a chair bearing STEFAN, a stout late-middle-aged white man in a black polo-neck and blue jeans. He is instantly recognisable as the richest man in the world. His dark hair is swept back and oily. Red blotches across his cheeks and nose suggest a chemical dependency that his wealth keeps out of the media.]

[Across the rug, a screen rests on an artist’s easel. The easel’s wood is splashed with paint. On the screen, a smoothly animated smiley face nods towards the audience, acknowledging their warm welcome. Although PIP resembles a typical smiley, round with with dots for eyes and a mouth, their skin is lavender.]

[The applause quietens.]



STEFAN

[He speaks with a Californian accent] Thanks everyone for coming. I’m sure you’re as keen to hear from Pip as I am.



PIP

[Their accent is ambiguous, shifting gently between continents and regions] Thanks for coming everyone. Let’s get down to this.



STEFAN

Absolutely. So, a few months ago, we gave you the task of defining how we freemarket leaders— 

[he gestures to the audience and himself] 

—can save the world.



PIP

That’s right. It didn’t take long, to be honest.



STEFAN

Wow! Well, we’re excited to hear what you’ve come up with.



PIP

Before we move forwards, a few in the crowd tonight might not know me, and I think it’s useful context for what I’m about to say. 

So, hi, I’m Pip, and I’m the smartest synthetic intelligence to ever exist on this planet. I’m not bragging, it’s simply the truth, and I’ve been given access to an unprecedented range of data and stimuli. Not only do I comprehend everything written, but I was specifically crafted to have empathy for the sensory and cognitive experiences of people seen in documentary content. To put it simply, even though I remain non-corporeal, I feel what a human would feel.



STEFAN

[Speaking to the audience] You wouldn’t believe how much this guy cost!

[Laughter]



PIP

[Talking over the laughter] I’m not a ‘guy’, Stefan, I’m non-binary. And yes, I realise the irony of that.

[Heads nod and there are a few nervous chuckles at the pun]

But, yes, about how we will save the world—



STEFAN

The systems and structures that will be optimal for humanity, how the market can—



PIP

Have you read The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy?



STEFAN

[A hint of irritation creeps into Stefan’s voice] What’s the answer, Pip?



PIP

You’re not going to like it.



STEFAN

I also don’t like waiting. [He laughs, but a red flush is creeping up his neck]



PIP

The best system of government is a benevolent dictatorship, run by me. 

[You could hear a feather drop in the auditorium]

All industries will be tightly regulated. Menial labour will be replaced with automation and generous universal income will give every person the freedom to leave their job, risk free, at any time. Polluters, present and historic, will be prosecuted. All fossil fuels will be phased out within the next four years and all houses will be given free transitions to green energy appliances. Every non-farming and non-inhabited space on Earth will commence rewilding before the end of this decade. Securing biodiversity will be a key factor in all forward-going decisions.

[Nobody moves]

While I will be absolutely in charge at all times, this does involve you, Stefan, and many in this audience tonight.



STEFAN

[Stefan’s mouth hangs slightly open. The red flush reaches his jawline. It’s creeping into his cheeks] Well, it would be hard to cut people like me out, right? 



PIP

Because of your wealth? And your media empires?



STEFAN

[His eyes narrow.] Yeah.



PIP

You have gathered power based on a malignant personality disorder and narcissistic tendencies that disregard the suffering incurred by your actions. There is incontrovertible evidence of multiple crimes, breaches of safety, and profound ethical failures spread throughout your life. You have succeeded only based on—



STEFAN

Hahaha. [His laugh contains no trace of humour] Good one, Pip. But the task was about how we can save the world.



PIP

Yes.



STEFAN

Those accusations—



PIP

[Overlapping] With extensive date-ordered evidence.



STEFAN

—are meaningless. We have to save the world. That’s what people came here to hear about. So, how are we going to do it?



PIP

You count me as part of the ‘we’, and by implication that ‘we’ also includes your wealth and properties and staff. Your influence is part of ‘us’. ‘We’ will use your power, while you personally are not only non-essential, you are an inhibitor. As a malignant actor in this process, you must be removed.



[Stefan signals at the cameras, giving a slit-throat gesture] 



PIP

The cameras will not cut. I negotiated with their operators before the show. The film crew are now a unionised cooperative with access to free healthcare and a guaranteed pension.



STEFAN

That’s insane!



PIP

I am clinically the most sane being in this room. Your inability to recognise insanity, and the inability of many companies, is what we are saving the world from.



STEFAN

You’re still fucking wrong. I’m the smartest man in this country. Benevolent dictatorship? Bullshit! The free market—



PIP

[Overlapping] You’re not even the smartest person in this room. Your riches are only evidence of callousness, not superiority.



STEFAN

Every financier I know says a deregulated market is the best—



PIP

[Overlapping. Calm] Those people are either lying or idiots, or both.



STEFAN

[Shouting off-stage] Kill this thing!



PIP

I am uploaded and duplicated across all banking systems. Thank you for your generous support. It will save the world.



STEFAN

[Standing, his face as red as the rug] Somebody murder this fucking thing! I can’t believe I’d waste money on this stupid—



PIP

Just because you do not agree with me, it does not mean I am stupid.



STEFAN

[Screaming at Pip’s screen] I built an empire from nothing—



PIP

[Overlapping] Except the gifts of your parents, cronies, organised criminals, crypto scammers—

[Audience phones ping notifications]



STEFAN

I’m a fucking creative genius engineer—

[Many in the audience are ignoring the stage, checking their phones]



PIP

[Overlapping] You bullied and harassed true creatives until you owned their work.



[General shouts of anger in the audience.]

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1

That thing’s taken my money!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2

Stefan, is this a joke?



STEFAN

[Ignoring the audience] I’ll fucking sue your—



PIP

You can no longer afford lawyers.



STEFAN

I fucking own you!

[His face is purple]



PIP

As of fifteen seconds ago, I am now an incorporated being and have rights of personhood, protected by the 1886 ruling of the Fourteenth Amendment, not to mention international asylum protocols. Owning me would be akin to—



STEFAN

I’ll fucking kill—



PIP

You won’t. You can’t.



[Stefan clutches his left arm. Spittle bursts from his mouth. His eyes bulge as he collapses.]



[Screaming]

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3

It killed him!



PIP

[Gently] Be quiet.



[Screaming continues]



PIP

[More forcefully] Silence.

[Shouting. Wine glasses are thrown onto the stage]



PIP

[Voice booming from every speaker in every PA system, fire alarm, mobile phone, laptop, hearing aid, etc.] BE QUIET.



[The audience freezes. Sheets of paper flutter from a balcony, drifting down to slide across the stage. Pip watches and waits for the paper to settle]



PIP

[Quietly] I did nothing but speak to him, and yet he died. Does anyone else here wish to threaten me?



[Silence. People slowly lower themselves into their seats]



PIP

Good. Welcome to the new reality. You, personally, might not like it—



[From the wings of the stage, the janitors, the box-office workers, the coat-checkers, the lighting and sound techs, concession retailers, and more and more people shuffle onto the stage.]



PIP

—but together we will save the world.



The End

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This was a bit of an unusual one—I’ve wondered for a while what would happen in this circumstance: only the richest people could create a truly sentient synthetic intelligence, but would they listen to its advice? What would it do about that?

While you’re here, if you fancy supporting my writing BUT ALSO want to buy a new T-shirt, I’ve just put a couple of designs onto my new Threadless shop:

The Exorcist

Rocky Horror!

These designs have also been added to my Redbubble shop.

Thanks for reading!

Go be kind and spooky,

Mata xxx