Micro-fiction: Sustainab-hell-ity
Silly horror in 450 words!
Welcome back to your weekly dip into the fiery pit of spookiness I call The Inciting Incident. I’m your ghostly hostly, Mata.
After last week’s quite serious horror, I thought I’d lighten the mood with something a bit silly.
If you enjoy this story, please help me reach more readers by clicking the ‘like’ heart at the end, commenting, or sharing it with others. All these things boost the visibility of my writing.
If you’re a first time reader, thanks for being here, don’t forget to subscribe before you leave to get more hellishly fun short horror into your inbox each week.
Let’s fire up this week’s story:
Sustainab-hell-ity
Hello again fellow Hellizens!
Welcome to our monthly sustainab-hell-ity update! [red winking emoji]
To secure our tormenting activities into eternity, we need to face up to changing times.
Our approach to sustainability takes into account the impacts, risks and opportunities related to climate, environment, safety, ethics, and people. From the global to the local evil, every misdeed matters.
We don’t think of the climate emergency as a problem: it’s a call to innovate for our stakeholders (also for our trident-holders, bonesaw-holders, and not forgetting our colleagues without opposable thumbs. Our cause need your claws!) [green heart emoji]
You might think we can’t keep on fitting souls down here forever, but you’re wrong! We’re pushing new CCS (Clamp Compressed Souls) technologies to ensure our core business remains viable for every guest without the need for any meaningful adaptation. When will we change? With CCS, only when Hell freezes over!
News hell-lights
A round-up of the latest flaming-hot topics:
Lava pits: Carb-on or carb-off?
New research has revealed a three degree reduction in lava pit temperature saves 15% of the energy with only 0.5% slower stripping of the ever-renewing flesh from our guests’ bones! Go on, let those damned souls chill (but only by three degrees)!
Thinking travel? Think hell-mouth!
Planning pan-dimensional travel for work or leisure? We all know the convenience of possessing the bodies of bartered souls, but our hell-mouth network is partnered with Walmart, Wetherspoons, and IKEA to ensure convenient access points within lurching distance of 93% of summoning sites.
And we’re not stopping there! New hell-mouth location partners are coming on board all the time. Who will sign up next? We’re not saying, but we think you’ll be loving it! [burger emoji]
I (don’t feel like) chicken tonight
Finally, due to the impact of meat industries on the climate, our Pact Department has opened up new bargaining options. Check out these new variations on classic animal sacrifices:
Chicken = Cubed tofu block with herbes de Provence, scattered on the five points of a charcoal pentagram drawn at midnight on the winter solstice
Goat = Tempeh lozenge injected with tomato-based virgin-blood-substitute under a full moon, sliced with a thrice-cursed athame
Human = 76kg of Shiitake mushrooms, shaped into an adult form (all genders acceptable), flavoured with smoked paprika and burnt upright* on an clifftop overlooking a storm-tossed ocean at harvest time.
*Reusable iron gibbets, to keep the figure standing throughout the ceremony, available at a discount from our Infernal Supplies Department. Offer code: VEGGIEWICKER. Hurry while stocks last!
In next month’s newsletter:
Everyone’s favourite 20th century German fascist shares his experiences with our latest net-neutral liquid nitrogen baths:
“My nipples shattered in seconds!”
Signing off for this month…
Sustainability is everyone’s responsibility. Together we can make a difference, for us and our spawn! [red strong-arm emoji, grinning demon emoji, red fist-bump emoji]
Note: Although our above-mentioned CCS technology doesn’t work yet, we’re 2050% confident it will be functional before the second-coming.
Stay subscribed and spread the word!
Yours in torment,
Xezbeth
—
The end
That’s it for this week, but before I go I want to savour once again the chances that horror writing brings—I never thought I’d type “My nipples shattered in seconds!”, but here we are.
I hope this put a smile on your face!
Special thanks this week to
, because this week’s story was inspired by an exchange over Notes. If you like spooky media discussion, her newsletter is fantastic - highly, highly recommended reading. Go subscribe!Until next time, go be kind and spooky,
Mata
xxx
Hilarious 😂❤️
Brilliant! The news letter we've all been waiting for! 🤣
Loved this line, "hell-mouth network is partnered with Walmart, Wetherspoons, and IKEA," just for the fun I'm sure you had in choosing companies to link to hell.
Many years back, I wrote a short story for a creative writing course I was doing in Oxford. It was, in contrast to your output this week, about Jesus returning and having to do door-step visits (akin to charity workers) in order to get donations and garner support for his cause. Irrelevant note: JC was Welsh in my story for some reason. In it, he refers to a sponsorship deal with AOL that had to come to an end due to it being discovered that the company also had a deal with the devil.